An Old Place of Pain and Frustration


I can't do this anymore. I thought I could separate the two, but I can't. I wish it never happened so I could still be your friend, but that's not the case and, therefore, I can't be your anything. You said you're not good enough for me and you're right. You said you can't love me anymore than you already do and that's ok because your level of love was sub-par at best. So doing what we're doing is not going to change anything. We're wasting each other's time. You don't deserve me. I wish you the best in life. Always keep reaching for the stars. Just know that this star is out of your reach.

Notes from a Random Meeting


I so desperately want this to work
I don't want to go through this again
I put all of my eggs in a basket
I hope you don't scramble them
I jumped in feet first, drank the kool-aid, took a hit
I haven't looked back since
I did question things in the beginning
I never once lost faith, nor trust in you

154


That's what she told me instead. I smirked when she said it. She hurried me to the exam room without pausing for a jab. Good thing too because I forgot to bring the faux fox. She ran through the checklist on auto pilot. No, no, never, the same I volleyed back to her. Quickly slapping on the cuff she quipped about how low my pressure was. I said, "that's because I'm a vampire." She didn't find that funny, and in fact it was a little lameopotamus on my end. My doctor breezed in chipper and sweet as always. It's like those damn deer iron her scrubs and birds tie ribbon in her hair every morning. She is a genuinely awesome person and that is why I let her stare at my nether regions. She rubs and pokes and gives me the green light. A flick of the pen and it's a fresh start. Only a bagel this time. I don't understand why it makes everything better. Perhaps that's my happy ending.

And I Thought of You


The movie was almost over and I was proud of myself for not getting chocked up. I mean I can handle a movie about cancer and not think about you. It's been so long this stuff shouldn't bother me anymore. Well it did. the last half hour or so of the movie had me in tears. I couldn't help myself. I even did that sniffle snort thing. I was going to apologize, but then said I don't care who sees me. I'm allowed to hurt. Plus the room was dark and I could totally cover up the sniffle snort because I was sick. Seeing him laying in the hospital hugging his parents made me think of you in yours, but you were probably not aware of what was going on. At least I hope you were not aware. I hope you just drifted off to sleep. I'm still mad at myself for not being there. I was in 3rd period, British Lit, if I recall. It didn't dawn on me that when one of the girls, a few seats behind me, got up and left in tears it was because of you. It was because you said I'm not going to suffer anymore. That day and week to follow are a blur, but there are bits and pieces I still remember. Mostly I remember you, and all the moments we had together.

Reasons I Hated Last Week*


#1 Sick as a dog, but still came into work
#2 People don't seem to care whether I am well or sick
#3 Work from home means I really do work from home
#4 Many sleepless nights
#5 Couldn't taste food
#6 Nose whistled


*That's right a whole week, not just a day

Couch


I am afraid to get on you. I talked about visiting you, but can't seem to bring myself to do it. I am not against it anymore. I think it is invaluable for some, perhaps me too. You yourself do not scare me. What scares me is what you will make me say. The past couple of years have been tough enough and, with that, things I did not know about, or had buried so deep managed to rise to the top. What if I get too deep and cannot come back? What if your cushions suck me into a vortex that I am too weak to crawl out of? What if I'm different and not for the better? Yeah yeah, but what if it works. What if I'm able to break whatever has been holding me down. What if those dreams finally stop. But what if I end up being more fucked up than I started? What if I unleash some monster that I'm scared is hiding inside of me? I've worked too hard for too long to let this all go. Most importantly I am ready to settle, finally, but not ready to settle in hell.

155


That's what that heifer nurse is going to tell me. You know after she does that copy and paste smile, while leading me down the hallway. "Oh I see you put on some weight since last time we saw you." And I'll coyly grin and spit back some satire. "I needed more muscle to lift this ring." Relax it's a fake, but she doesn't know that. And, yeah, I'm a bitch like that. She'll then give me the shpeal to strip to my socks and make sure the dress is open to the front. You're really not supposed to leave your socks on, but I'm a classy broad. She'll softly knock on the door and ask if I'm ready for her. Which doesn't make sense because she's opening the door while asking me if she can come in. She slaps on the cuff and squeezes the everlasting shit out of my arm. If I'm lucky she'll make an inference that it hurts because of the extra skin. You know bedside manner is a thing of the past. She'll mutter about the doctor being right behind her. As quickly as she walks out my doctor walks in. I'll get a smile and a good to see you. I always wonder is it really good to see me. She'll ask me to lay back and then slowly open up my gown. She'll ask me to scoot down and place my heels in the nicely warmed stirrups. She does her job while making sure I know that everything looks good. A final snap of the gloves and it's over. I slink off of the table feeling dirty. I shiver as I put my clothes back on. It'll all be better after an everything bagel toasted well with cream cheese and an iced coffee. I'll roll down the window and let the wind blow through my hair. No expression on my face. I just want to be home. My teeth pierce into the crispy garlicy creaminess and I think damn I gotta lose weight by next year.

Panic


Amazing how as soon as the shit hits the fan people lose their minds. There has been some big news at work recently, and it has turned into every man for himself. Isn't really shocking, but I was not expecting grown ass people to behave in this manner. Perhaps with my current situation (see: marital status) it is allowing me to stay calmer, or perhaps it it because I am mentally stable. I know that some people will be affected more than others, but they still have a way out; a backup plan of sorts. The others that are approaching me like 'why isn't your hair on fire too?!' are really the ones that should worry. They should worry because they are shitty workers, plain and simple. Instead of looking at these developments as a time to clean themselves up, they are choosing to be chicken little. I know a bit blunt, but I am worn thin this week.

It's All Better


As soon as you get home
And walk through the door
I instantly melt as you grab me and kiss me
I feel at peace when we are back together
There is no longer a cold spot in the bed
Since I have my heater next to me
I love that you snuggle into me
And paw at me to spoon you
I hate when you're gone
But so happy once you return
I long for that day when we won't have to be apart


*I made myself nauseous too, sorry

Notes from a Random Meeting


When a company grows up...so how do I then?
By now I thought I would have found my niche
Is it bad? Am I bad? Did I do something bad?
Are my experiences the bricks of my yellow road
What does each brick mean?
Why can't I just leap?
Why am I so cautious?
I thought I was doing what I wanted to do
I am good at it
So is it me?
Is it them?
Have I reached my capacity?
I feel my place is to come in
Make things better
Then leave
Maybe time is just up

Ain't it Funny (Written in my Dating Days)


I look back and read just how annoyingly sappy I can get when I am in a relationship and how Sid Vicious I turn once it is over. Ok, well perhaps not that drastic, but I sure hiss a lot (no, really). I mean it is a good thing that this cold black heart of mine can be softened by another human being. And even though I am not the biggest fan of all the mushy things, I instantly melt once presented with flowers, or a nice dinner. And sure I am a little rough around the edges, but I am just being cautious. I really am a nice person once you break that candy coating. What I am trying to say is I hate dating. I am sure there are so many awesome guys out there, but sweet baby Jesus where are you hiding?! I run into the guys that appear good on the outside and look great on paper, yet why on the first date do I have to tell them we are NOT doing the horizontal polka. Is that just assumed these days? And is that also because he bought me dinner? Perhaps that is the old spinster inside of me. And, hey, if that is your thing more power to you. I am looking for a little more than just a notch on my bed post. Am I a prude, maybe. Am I too reserved, possibly. I would like to think I am a lady, but if you have been to Vegas with me that is a LIE. Definitely not a whore. I do have slut tendencies, but for the most part I am a good girl.


*Not sure where I was going to take this post, but thought I would share anyways. Also, very happy to report I have been off of the market for a while and so thankful I don't have to play the dating game anymore.

Sellout

That's what the feeling is. I feel like a sellout. I feel like I went back on everything I stand for. I, secretly, view myself as a Rosie the Riveter. Relax I'm not a bra burner. Sure in this day and age women are not as oppressed as they used to be, but from time to time I feel it. Does not bother me. In fact I use it to push me to work harder. I love proving people wrong. I love being that girl that walks into a meeting, especially with stuffy executives, and astound people with how awesome I am. Yes, I really do get scoffed at for being young and for being a female. Getting off topic (and stepping down from soapbox); all that woman and age crap aside I pride myself on standing up for the "little people". I try my hardest to champion for their issues. I want to be the one that came from nothing and now I am something. And, yes, on paper I did and in pay I did as well, but I feel like I gave in. I still, and always will, fight for those in the trenches whether it is my job or not. I just feel like I have let them down.

I did Something Crazy

I took time off. Yes, you read that right. Litas herself not only took a day off of work, she took consecutive days off. I know! It was not just an extended weekend it was an actual week off. As in 7 days, not 5. For those of you counting that means weekends were included, but you are missing the point. Now kindly shut your face. In addition to that, I got my ass on a plane and went somewhere. Never mind where, stalkers. It was magical to say the least. I slept in (GASP!), I sat on a couch and drank coffee (WHAT?!), I then laid on said couch and read a book (and you still have a crappy vocab?), I did not think about work at all (what is the matter with you?!). I came home feeling rested. Ok, I lied. While waiting at the airport to come home, I was filled with anxiety. I started thinking about all the work that would be waiting for me, the mounds of emails that needed to be read and, most likely, rejected, and the people waiting to whine about how much it sucks when I am not in the office. All of that sweet bliss was gone in a flash. My neck started to get tight (heh) and my shoulders started to move up by my ears. Stress was slowly starting to run through my veins again. I only wish it was 2 weeks more of vacation.

P.S. Laptop and crackberry were not packed. I KNOW!

Mood Ring Says Null

I am a jumbled mix of feelings. While I am happy to say that there has been a big break through on the work front, in my advantage, I am unsettled. On a high level view it is a great opportunity and will get me farther ahead in future endeavors; right now it just does not feel that way. Part of me feels ungrateful for not being focused on that aspect, but the bigger part of me feels like I am being shorted. All I can do is be hopeful that the payoff, albeit down the road, will greatly overshadow my current sentiments.