Reasons I Hate Today

1. I'm still not feeling well
2. I really want an everything bagel toasted well with cream cheese
3. I REALLY want a cup of coffee
4. I only have a few weeks left to lose weight

I Was All by Myself

No one was looking. I was thinking of you. Man I loved me some Green Day back in the day. I loathed their album title as it was akin to one of my nicknames, Duke. I'll save that story of torture for later. Due to recent developments I now have a void in my life. And while I'm working through forgiving this void, I'm also dealing with feeling lonely. Please don't take out your tiny violin. How many times I wanted to pickup the phone and just ramble about all the crap that is going on right now. How many times I wanted to hang out and shoot the poop, not literally. How many times I wished we could hit up the batting cages, or the driving range. Alas, we cannot do that anymore. Losing a friend sucks. The last one I lost was in 4th grade because I was a punk little girl. Friends have drifted apart through the years as we've grown older and become our own identities. This was not drifting this was forced. I try to keep my mind preoccupied, but then POOF there you are. Holding up memories of things we used to do together. Reminding me of all the sweet things you did. Oh wait, then I see all the times you hurt me. All the things I let slide which, now looking back, were probably signs this should have happened sooner. I am angry about what happened, but more so I am mad at myself for allowing certain things to happen. At the end of my day I'm sitting on my couch, alone. Just me, my dinner, and Drew Pinsky. And when the sandman kicks enough sand in my eyes I groggily stumble off to bed and hope you'll meet me in my dreams.

All by myself....fade out

I Totally Didn't Do it Right This Time


Looking back through my archives, not like there is that much to see, I forgot to add that I really didn't do it right this time. I have my ideas as to how it went wrong, but the other party may have theirs too. I suppose from the get go I had enough signs, but chose to ignore them. Now when I play it out in my head (ok, and talk to myself) I am reminded of just how much I let slide. At the time I saw it as don't overreact like you normally do, you need to grow up, they need the benefit of the doubt. Well STFU. I gave them too much slack. I let someone take advantage of me. I put my heart and soul into it. I started all the conversations. I confronted all the problems. Me, me, me. I can honestly admit now, since I popped that damn love bubble, it was me that kept it alive. And when I left, the first time, it was I need you, I miss you, I love you, I hate my life without you. I caved too early. There was not enough groveling. I don't hate you, but I'm mad at you; and more so mad at myself. I'm working on forgiving you even though you don't know it. I keep telling myself this is the best thing that could have happened. Why do I keep wanting to go back?

I Beg to Differ

First, let me start with everyone has their own opinions and experiences with things that shape their feelings about said things. That being said I read out there on the intrawebs, "He has cousins, but the relationship between them will never be the same as the bond between siblings." To this I say nay. I actually have cousins who I look to as siblings. Not because I'm an only child, but because of the depth of our relationship. I love my siblings more than anything. Regardless of what my mom thinks. I'm not estranged from them, nor have a bitter rivalry. We have as regular of a relationship as you can have with your sibs (tired of typing it out!). Getting back to my point, to me it doesn't matter whether someone came out of your mom, or out of your aunt. You can have a bond with a cousin, or a friend that, sometimes, surpasses the bond you have with your sibs. I have one cousin in particular whom I would be absolutely lost without if, God forbid, something happened to her. I look to her as a big sis. Through the years she has kept me on the right paths, dried my eyes, and given me impeccable guidance. While I'm already blessed to have an older sister, I'm equally blessed to have another older sister, even if she is my cousin. I guess this wasn't as impactful as an entry as I had dreamed up in my head. At the end of the day my point is it doesn't matter if someone is, or isn't blood. Anyone has the capacity to be someones sibling. I'm so very grateful and appreciative of those folks in my life who are my extended sibs.

Dear Ovaries,

Hi, good morning. It would be great if you would stop hurting. I'm not sure why this one is so bad, but I'm sorta kinda over it. My legs felt sore yesterday and hot. And I've been eating like it's going out of style. You tell me why I woke up the other night and needed to eat something OMG NOW! Your week is up. Pack up your belongings and leave town.

Hurting,
Litas

Never Forgotten

It's been 12 years now and, somehow, still feels like yesterday. I said this before, but I bet those girls have never thought about you again. Those fake heifers who stood on that stage and cried over you. LIARS! I know what they did to you even though they never knew who I was. I still have your card up, protected behind glass. It's the only visible way I can preserve you. Every time I sit down on my couch I look over and see your smiling face. It's one of my favorite pictures of you. We were so young and wrinkle free. You look beautiful in your outfit and your hair is absolutely perfect. I still get sad when I think about you. I wish we were able to grow up together. I can only imagine what adventures we would have been on. I know you shouldn't live in the past, but it's how I remember you. I don't want to lose those memories. You're still my friend even though you're far away. You're never far from my thoughts. I wonder if you still think of me. I will always love you and you'll always be my sister.

Been Two Months

And I think about you a little bit less, but wish it was even less
And I no longer dream about you
And I still get butterflies if I see you
And I hope you're hurting just as I am
And I'm still angry with you
And I haven't forgiven you yet
And I wish it wasn't over even though it's for the best