I'm trying to turn a new leaf, but my arms are sore

Ms. Litas has decided to get her ass back in shape. I was presented with a proposal that made my little ears perk up (they look like elf ears sans point). This proposal requires some serious ass kicking in the gym and a "lifestyle" change when it comes to my eating. Yeah it's a diet, but it has good stuff on it. Last night was the assessment. Considering that I've been going to the gym for the past month I failed miserably. Going twice a week doesn't really count. I mean it is something, but not really impressive. Progress reports will follow. As I raise my protein shake to what's to come, I hope no one has to peel me off of the floor.

Souperlla

I like to think that I'm the Cinderella of soups. I can pretty much throw anything in a pot and make it taste good. Thanks Mamaw! Although I don't recommend making my chewli recipe. It started out so well and then I added chipotle sauce and turned it into a sweet and smokey concoction. You get chewli when you start out making a stew, but it looks more like chili. Last week I was bored with dinner and feeling very Italian. I decided to take a stab at Italian wedding soup. I have never had this creation until last year. I thought it was made up. I promise I really am Italian. I'm not knocking Progresso because I'm head over heels for their lentil soup, but their version of the wedding soup was like a merky, slimy disaster. I knew what it looked like to some extent, but decided to consult Giada De Laurentiis aka "the fungia/faccia" for some help. I'm not one to follow recipes when it comes to entrees and such. I'm very much a free spirit in the kitchen. I got the gist of what it's supposed to have in it and made some twists along the way. In the end FAB! It came out so good and it's such a quick cook. Two things that are essential when it's mid week and you don't know to make for dinner.

Why I hate Monday

* It's not Saturday
* I'm lacking in the sleep department
* I have to go to work
* I have to sit in traffic on the way to work
* I have to hear about peoples "exciting" weekend, but didn't ask to hear about them
* My coffee just doesn't taste as good as it does when I drink it on my couch watching tv
* People ask me why I'm not happy, every 10 mins
* People then poke me to get me to smile, this actually leads me to punch them
* I'm not a morning person and Monday's just intensify this
* I'm sitting at my desk instead of laying in my bed

...because you're single

This end line was uttered to me by a genious man who I have the pleasure of working with. Now let's Tarentino it to the beginning. It started with the usual morning jargon. Hi. How are you? Since it's Monday, How was your weekend? Then he said, "Did you get some rest?" I said, "Not enough, but I got some." With a bewildered look he said, "How did you not get enought rest, aren't you single?" Need I remind you it's Monday morning and aside from the list that will follow I'm not fully awake yet. I stumbled over his words and then said, "what does that have to do with anything?" I thought to myself, being single I should be tired all the time. You know since I'm out getting hammered all the time and taking home druken sailors. Neither of which ever really happen. Well during Monday-Friday anyways. He said, "Well doesn't that give you time to do yourself?" I think he was trying to say time to do you. You know Me time. To avoid a round table discussion I just said no. His response was to just walk backwards out of the office.

REASON # 1,216 Why Work is the Cause of my Insanity

The Mouth comes over to me and says, " I was wondering how you would take tarnish off of a piece of silver if someone has puked on it?" With great decorum, pre-verbal beating, I look up from my monitor and say excuse me? She repeats herself, but a little differently perhaps so it will make more sense. Even before I can answer she says, "I know it's Monday and you're about to go home. I should save this for tomorrow." You know this way I can marinate on it and possibly do some research for her. I say how would I know about that? And why wouldn't you just use regular tarnish remover? This baffled her and she tried to justify something about stomach acid and the properties of silver. She didn't use those words, but she tried to. It was really cute.

REASON# 1,365 why work is the cause of my insanity

One of the girls I work with, who I've lovingly coined Broad, has a nasty gash on her leg. She bowled herself down a small hillside over the weekend. She looks down at it today and noticed it looked a little on the green side. Throwing her hairy leg on my desk she says to me, "Do you think this is infected?" Since I'm the office doctor (YES it's on my resume) I said, "Well it does look a lil green and it's pussy." The office wonder hasn't been cleaning it. I told her clean it with peroxide a couple time and remember to clean it daily. She's been showing everyone that comes into the office how her booboo looks. Yes people this is the quality of which I work with.

*Side Note this woman is almost twice my age

Hail Mary Full of Grace

Yesterday as I'm pulling into a parking stall at my local gym, I see this little Chinese man with the most desolate look on his face as he stares at the floor. Upon exiting my vehicle the man looks up at me and points down to the ground and says "doo doo doo". I'm not sure if that was in English or Chinese. I look down and see a pigeon mashed to all hell, but just its head and half its body had been squished. Possibly a car hit the breaks and stopped on that part of the bird only. I didn't have time to perform an autopsy. The man was still pointing and making noises. What was I supposed to do? I said I'm sorry. I know I know why do people do that. It could have been his pet pigeon. I bowed my head and said he's in a better place. I'm sure it made a wicked dinner for someone.

Desk Ballet-Intermediate

Yeah I said it, desk ballet. I'm currently on hold with tech support for our accounting system. They are playing some fantastic hold music. First I started out playing some wicked Bach on my desk, then migrated to some sensational Pavlova while sitting in my chair. I'm an artist at heart.

I like em fast and easy

My fridays that is. I enjoy any day when the office is short one coworker and enjoy it 10 times as much when one boss decides he should be "golfing with clients" instead of working, but I thoroughly enjoy it when this happens on a Friday. Today is such a day. One of the office wenches, this is where I remind you that wench is another word for a dame regardless I still don't mean it in a nice way, has been on vacation for 2 days and one of the bosses worked a half day. BRILLIANT I said to myself. No you're right I said it out loud. And with my viva la raza fist. I made the executive decision that during the last hour and a half I'm not going to do any work. In layman terms this means I will browse the net, fart around, and glance at my work as I give it the finger and slouch in my chair. I'm enjoying this in the dark, we'll get into this in another blog, when i hear the mouth in the front office start brawking about something. I've named her mouth because she literally is a walking mouth. It's ok she admits to it. Then it gets louder and I hear male voices, this would be the warehouse convicts I kid you not, but they they're excons with only 1-2 tears, joining in. Of course I'm agitated because I can't read my gmail in peace. I waddled up to the front and find GROWNUPS arguing over a sangwich (that's sandwich for those who don't know). Not just any kind, but the kind that has been sitting in the fridge for a week and no one wants to claim. And I really mean arguing. Like they're some Somali kids who haven't eaten in years. You now the ones where the flies are fatter then they are. Sorry! I give my 5 cents, shut up. This is just a minor blip on the radar. I can't wait to tell you what else I have to endure at this place I call hell, I mean employment establishment.

FROSTING

It makes your mouth water! (spoken like those Aussie kids on the Toaster Biscuit commercial) I was listening to my local morning radio station, while enduring my hellacious morning drive to work, and they started talking about frosting. I, like many of you, LOVE my frosting. Yes I can eat it right out of the container. Just gimme a spoon and/or some teddy grahams and I'm happy. Well one of the guys said he thought it was replusive that his coworkers liked it so much. He said one of the girls literaly orgasmed when he mentioned the word frosting. I thought to myself who doesn't? I know you smiled when you read the title. No I'm not going to the store after work to pick up funfetti frosting even though I worked my ass off at the gym yesterday. I'm not...I said no..

After a nice comment from a homie I bust into this:

"I'd pat myself on the back, but I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I do have an itch though so since I'm back there to scratch what's a lil pat gonna hurt. It's not like I EVER get a pat on the back. I'm one of those who say I don't need a pat on the back, and I really don't, but to feel the warmth of a firm praiseworthy pat makes my mouth water. And sometimes it really does make ones day. Let me step off of the estrogen train."

*Windows automatic update I said I'd like to restart later. Stop reminding me every 10 mins!

Tuesday's Ponder

As I ride the midnight train to Georgia, I'm troubled with the thought of going to the gym or going to dinner with my genitori. The fat Litas says go to dinner and f the gym. The skinny Litas says go to the gym fatty. It is kickboxing day which I do love in a sick psychopathic way.

BONJOUR

After much delay I finally setup my blog. Accomplished, maybe, but just happy that I can check something off my list. Yes I'm a lister. And proud of it. For the record I do finish my lists. I'm not one of those who starts 500 and 1 lists and doesn't even finish half of one. The joy I get out of checking or angrily slashing off an item on said list delights me. It's kinda pathetic, but at least I'm not that cat lady. The joy is even more hightened when I can tear off a WHOLE page. I giggle like a Japanese school girl. I do damnit. Shut Up.
Anywho, back at the ranch, I'm probably going to be my only reader. No I will force some of my friends to read what I put and ask them to smile and chuckle as they do.
Forewarning as much as I am beautiful, intelligent, nice, caring, yada yada (someone has to hype me) I can be a bitch. I'm quite random. I'm not PC (I think the term is gay). I do love everyone and also love to pick on everyone. No need to bash me; I already do that pretty nicely. If you don't like it go away. Although my speech is quite eloquent and I pride myself on my spelling, I'm only human. Naw for realz. I'm really a pretty cool chic and I'm funny. Come on my Shiksa Dago mom married a Sephardic Turk. Do I really need to say anything else?
P.S. How come Tahoma gets no love?